Old Flames

*London 2012 Olympic Games Exclusive*

Our friends the Bothan spies scored another scoop this week. 

Ahead of last Friday's Danny Boyle's Opening Ceremony of the London 2012 Olympic Games, speculation was rife about who would be igniting the cauldron with the iconic Olympic Flame.

However, as we revealed on Twitter (a full 5 hours before the ceremony), the Empire's closely guarded secret was busted; thanks to those fearless Bothan's.

So, there you have it, Lord Vader lit the cauldron and watched those famous flames rise. Ironic really, since Luke will do the same thing to the Dark Lord himself at some point in his future. After all, it is his destiny!

C-3PO

This week, the galaxies most famous Prototol Droid, C-3PO returned from a week long trip to Earth. 

Little is known about where the notoriously secretive droid was vacationing but DMZ, the infamous celebrity droid gossip web site, reported that C-3PO was accompanied on the trip by his 'companion' Doctor Who star, Sy Berman. 

The JOPR Press Team have obtained an exclusive photograph of the 'friends' taken on their holiday which [allegedly] reveals the destination of their trip.

Picture Courtesy of The Bothan Foreign Press Association & DMZ

Draw your own conclusions on this story. We have...

"NO COMMENT!"

Cucumbers

The Rebellion unleashed its latest attack on the Empire this week. No, there were no trench run style assaults on an exhaust port or sabotaging of a reactor core. This attack was far more subtle, and deadly…

In an attempt to introduce a "5 a day" style healthier option to meals in the Death Star Cantina, the Empire has banished Bantha Burgers and Fries to the airlock in favour of salad. Yes, plain old healthy salad with no saturated fat and no added sugar or salt. Or so they thought...

Vegetable Plot: The Stolen Death Star Cantina Menu

Cannon Fodder Imperial Troops have been getting fat on a poor diet of un-healthy food lately, so what better way to improve their diet (before they die in battle at the hands of the Rebellion), than a serving of fresh salad.   

The Rebellion's ever dwindling friends, the Bothan Spies, obtained the secret plans to the Death Star Cantina Menu and the Rebellion's "Operation Waldorf Salad" began to bear fruit (and veg).

A Top Rebel Chef

Obtaining a "particularly virulent" crate of  ecoli infected cucumbers from the Northern Region of Germany, Rebel Chef's began re-creating the Empire Menu (shown above) with salads, baguettes, wraps and a host of delicious dishes.

These would then be packed in Empire crates and shipped to the Death Star. Universal Exports, would act as the shipping agents to transport the deadly food to the Death Star Cantina where other agents on board would take care of the rest.

Cross Section of a deadly cucumber

Soon reports were surfacing of Stormtroopers falling ill to a 'mystery illness'. The Empire attempted to gag the press with a so called "Super Injunction" taken out by "evil legal eagle" @DarkSideLawyer, on @LordPalpatine's request.  

However, this could not contain the leak of information, regarding the outbreak, coming from social media sites like "Forcebook" on board the Death Star. The Rebellion's plan was working, and like the outbreak, word was spreading FAST.

The dramatic image below, was posted on Jedi Order PR's "Forcebook" page. It shows a Legion of mutated "Salad Troopers" in the grip of the zombie like outbreak.  

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Cucumbers - "Salad Troopers" in the grip of the cucumber ecoli outbreak

Emperor Palpatine's Spa Day goes horribly wrong

So for now, it seems the 'salad days' of the Empire may be coming to an end and the Rebellion can avoid a costly all out attack on the Death Star. All thanks to the innocuous cucumber, a true "weapon of mass destruction" (or should that be consumption), if there ever was. 

As you can see from this exclusive image, taken on one of our Bothan Spies mobile phone, even the Emperor himself has succumbed to cucumber zombification...Operation Waldorf Salad has been a complete success.

JOPR on Twitter:

"We've replaced all the cucumbers on the Death Star with a fresh batch direct from Germany. Bon Appetite, guys.#jedicare #ecoli *

*This post was inspired by the cucumber tweet by Jedi Order PR

Obama Versus Osama

**Special Edition Live from the Jedi Conference in Florida**

The Jedi don't believe in revenge, or for that matter, using the Force for attack. However we do understand that it takes a special kind of person to make "the difficult decisions".

With the help of Bothan Spies on Earth, who previously uncovered 'other' secret compounds housing known Imperial terrorists in the Northern Territories of Australia; Earth's President of the United States finally located the whereabouts of the worlds most wanted terrorist Osama bin-Laden.

A crack squad of Navy SEALS, specially trained by the Jedi Order under the watchful eye of Master Yoda, were despatched by President Obama to eliminate this deadly Imperial cohort in a special operation codenamed "Jedironimo".  

Bin Laden was originally thought to be inhabiting an area of Earth not unlike the Jundland Wastes, but which turned out to be a 'not so secret' million dollar house. Good job he enabled "Add location to my Tweets" as well or he may never had been found.

And so with some decisive action and a little courage; President Obama sent in the team to eliminate Osama bin-Laden once and for all.

After a 40 minute blaster & lightsaber fight, accompanied by the music of John Williams conducting "The Duel of the Fates", the evil villian, Osama bin Laden was finally defeated.

Master Yoda was so impressed with Obama that he immediately sent him a Lightsaber as a token of his respect for the President. 

As our exclusive picture shows the President showed a natural gift with the Lightsaber and also revealed his Jedi reflexes too.  

Master Yoda was intrigued with his emerging talent and set about training Obama in the ways of the Force. Finding a willing student in the President, it has now since emerged that President Obama has been appointed as an 'Honorary Jedi Knight', for services to the protection of good in the galaxy. 

Congratulations, Mr. President

"May the Fourth Be With You"

Happy Star Wars Day  

The Empire's Secret Base On Earth: Revealed

There's has always been a deep suspicion within the Jedi ranks that the Empire had a garrison stationed on the distant Terran planet called Earth. We can exclusively reveal that this myth; is indeed fact.

Bothan Spies go un-noticed while undercover

Bothan spies, on a secret reconnaisance mission on Earth, recently uncovered evidence that the Empire has established a garrison in a place known as the 'Northern Territory' in Australia. 

This 'Tatooine' like location is the perfect place for the Empire to place an outpost in its attempt to enslave the Earth. It is remote, rugged and perfectly suited to Sand Troopers and their Dewbacks.

Our exclusive images, secretly captured by the Bothan spies do seem to substansiate this claim.  

Sand Troopers posing as 'Tourists' secretly photographed by Bothan Spies

  
Suspicion's that the Empire had a base of operations originally centred on the Australian city of Sydney. However, recent intelligence suggests that this is merely the location of an office claiming to be a 'radical PR firm' with links to the Empire.

As the Bothan's began to delve deeper in to this shocking story, the more evidence they uncovered. 

Using a primitive Earthican technology known only as 'Google', the Bothans were able to identify the location of the Empire outpost. It's revealed here for the very first time.  

Many Bothan's died to bring us this information.

This information, however, has come to us at a very heavy price. Despite their uncanny ability to 'seemlessly' blend in to any environment and going un-noticed, many Bothan spies have mysteriously disappeared. 

Speculation is rife that they have been captured or killed. Some say they may have become so ingrained in the culture they may have become 'naturalised' and are passing themselves off as 'surfer dudes'.

Either way, the Bothan's managed to find the one piece of hard evidence that the Empire does have a garrison in the Northern Territories. This so called 'Jedi Holy Grail' of evidence is hard to deny.

Tourism NT's Official logo and it's uncanny resemblance to the Death Star

It seems that the willing partners of this Imperial base have incorporated an iconic Empire image into their PR material. The image seen right is the official logo of 'Northern Territory Australia: Tourism NT'. Look closely at that so called 'setting sun'. Look familiar?

We are convinced beyond doubt, that the Empire has formed an alliance of evil, and a sinister plot to take over the Earth is already underway.