Cucumbers

The Rebellion unleashed its latest attack on the Empire this week. No, there were no trench run style assaults on an exhaust port or sabotaging of a reactor core. This attack was far more subtle, and deadly…

In an attempt to introduce a "5 a day" style healthier option to meals in the Death Star Cantina, the Empire has banished Bantha Burgers and Fries to the airlock in favour of salad. Yes, plain old healthy salad with no saturated fat and no added sugar or salt. Or so they thought...

Vegetable Plot: The Stolen Death Star Cantina Menu

Cannon Fodder Imperial Troops have been getting fat on a poor diet of un-healthy food lately, so what better way to improve their diet (before they die in battle at the hands of the Rebellion), than a serving of fresh salad.   

The Rebellion's ever dwindling friends, the Bothan Spies, obtained the secret plans to the Death Star Cantina Menu and the Rebellion's "Operation Waldorf Salad" began to bear fruit (and veg).

A Top Rebel Chef

Obtaining a "particularly virulent" crate of  ecoli infected cucumbers from the Northern Region of Germany, Rebel Chef's began re-creating the Empire Menu (shown above) with salads, baguettes, wraps and a host of delicious dishes.

These would then be packed in Empire crates and shipped to the Death Star. Universal Exports, would act as the shipping agents to transport the deadly food to the Death Star Cantina where other agents on board would take care of the rest.

Cross Section of a deadly cucumber

Soon reports were surfacing of Stormtroopers falling ill to a 'mystery illness'. The Empire attempted to gag the press with a so called "Super Injunction" taken out by "evil legal eagle" @DarkSideLawyer, on @LordPalpatine's request.  

However, this could not contain the leak of information, regarding the outbreak, coming from social media sites like "Forcebook" on board the Death Star. The Rebellion's plan was working, and like the outbreak, word was spreading FAST.

The dramatic image below, was posted on Jedi Order PR's "Forcebook" page. It shows a Legion of mutated "Salad Troopers" in the grip of the zombie like outbreak.  

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Cucumbers - "Salad Troopers" in the grip of the cucumber ecoli outbreak

Emperor Palpatine's Spa Day goes horribly wrong

So for now, it seems the 'salad days' of the Empire may be coming to an end and the Rebellion can avoid a costly all out attack on the Death Star. All thanks to the innocuous cucumber, a true "weapon of mass destruction" (or should that be consumption), if there ever was. 

As you can see from this exclusive image, taken on one of our Bothan Spies mobile phone, even the Emperor himself has succumbed to cucumber zombification...Operation Waldorf Salad has been a complete success.

JOPR on Twitter:

"We've replaced all the cucumbers on the Death Star with a fresh batch direct from Germany. Bon Appetite, guys.#jedicare #ecoli *

*This post was inspired by the cucumber tweet by Jedi Order PR

Rapture

"The End of the World"

21st May 2011

You always wondered why they were smiling...now you know

As today is [allegedly] the end of the world as we know it, or as its more widely known "The Rapture", you may want to know this before 'the end'...

 For those Padawan's that chose our exclusive 

*Gold Level Jedi Rapture Package*

You WILL become a Force Ghost.  

And those who didn't...

Well, YOU'RE BONED.

SORRY...

Obama Versus Osama

**Special Edition Live from the Jedi Conference in Florida**

The Jedi don't believe in revenge, or for that matter, using the Force for attack. However we do understand that it takes a special kind of person to make "the difficult decisions".

With the help of Bothan Spies on Earth, who previously uncovered 'other' secret compounds housing known Imperial terrorists in the Northern Territories of Australia; Earth's President of the United States finally located the whereabouts of the worlds most wanted terrorist Osama bin-Laden.

A crack squad of Navy SEALS, specially trained by the Jedi Order under the watchful eye of Master Yoda, were despatched by President Obama to eliminate this deadly Imperial cohort in a special operation codenamed "Jedironimo".  

Bin Laden was originally thought to be inhabiting an area of Earth not unlike the Jundland Wastes, but which turned out to be a 'not so secret' million dollar house. Good job he enabled "Add location to my Tweets" as well or he may never had been found.

And so with some decisive action and a little courage; President Obama sent in the team to eliminate Osama bin-Laden once and for all.

After a 40 minute blaster & lightsaber fight, accompanied by the music of John Williams conducting "The Duel of the Fates", the evil villian, Osama bin Laden was finally defeated.

Master Yoda was so impressed with Obama that he immediately sent him a Lightsaber as a token of his respect for the President. 

As our exclusive picture shows the President showed a natural gift with the Lightsaber and also revealed his Jedi reflexes too.  

Master Yoda was intrigued with his emerging talent and set about training Obama in the ways of the Force. Finding a willing student in the President, it has now since emerged that President Obama has been appointed as an 'Honorary Jedi Knight', for services to the protection of good in the galaxy. 

Congratulations, Mr. President

"May the Fourth Be With You"

Happy Star Wars Day  

Jedi McLovin

It's well documented that despite being the defenders of truth & justice in the old republic, Jedi's are forbidden to love anything other than a good fight with a lightsaber.

Ever since the early days of 10 year old Anakin's freaky facination with a 20 year old Padme (allegedly) through to the now infamous, bile inducing roll around a Naboo field, Jedi's really have had the rough end of the deal. Until today.

Anakin tells Padme he has wood, but she thinks its his acting

Despite the "No sex, we're Warrior Monks" ruling; it would appear that a small breakaway faction of Jedi on on the planet Earth, are tired of the label 'jedi virgin' and declared their love for each other. 

They have also been reported to be declaring this on official census forms, with Jedi now accounting for over 390,000 respondents in 2005 and er, rising.

Free loving, it would seem, is returning to the notorious nerdy virgins as this recently discovered photo evidence from the Wookiee archives suggests...

Notorious joker Chewbacca strikes again and photobombs unsuspecting nerdy Jedi virgins

We dread to think what the council would have made of this. Then again they did say that the force penetrated us and bound the universe together so maybe they saw it coming and Order 66 was a smokescreen? As Yoda was fond of saying: "Meditate on this we shall".

Jedi Movies

Our recent hashtag posting on Twitter, #JediMovies proved to be very popular with the Twitterverse and ran for nearly 3 days! 

It produced a whole variety of Jedi themed movie parodies which were extremely funny and very clever. 

Presented in movie poster form, is one of Jedi Order PR's funniest (and possibly most contentious) suggestions for the #JediMovies meme. 


Derived from the Seth Rogen comedy "Zack and Miri Make A Porno", here's our twisted version!

Now if that doesn't spark the whole Luke & Leia 'tricky' relationship thing with Han, we don't know what will...

The Ides of March

Because you never know when 'one of your own' will stab you in the back. 

We know it was you Anakin.

The Last Laugh

"The Dark Side Clouds Everything on Twitter"

"The greatest trick that Yoda ever pulled, was convincing the galaxy he didn't exist. And like that *pffft*, he was GONE". #LastLaugh
Jedi Order PR 
*So L & T FAT FISH*