Rehab

Signs & Portents

June 14th 2011 was a big day in the galaxy. Not only was it this PR's Director's birthday, it also saw the birth of another whose arrival made the galaxy hold its breath. The birth in question was that of Natalie Portman's baby.

Miss Portman's baby was being heralded as a major galactic event that had the potential to change the universe. Had she had twins; the followers of the Dark Side would have been sent scurrying for their shuttles in terror. Had she had twins and named them Luke & Leia; the galaxy would have skipped a heartbeat waiting for signs of a new hope.

As it turned out she had a healthy baby boy.

Even so, the arrival of a son still sent shockwaves throughout the galaxy as everybody waited with anticipation for the baby's name to be revealed.

Until now...

Aleph Portman-Millipied

"You beleive in the prophecy of the one who will bring balance to the Force...you believe it's this boy...?"

Yes we know what you're already thinking, "she didn't pick Luke, aw shoot!" Thats OK, we thought that too. Was the galaxies last remaining hope for peace doomed forever to have a name that was a little kooky. Maybe...

Aleph is the first letter of the Hebrew alphabet and also reportedly means "the first". Nothing unusual there. However it also means "the one". 

Maybe it's a sign, or a Portman portent, but insert another two words and the galaxy holds it's breath again; for it could just be that Aleph is...

"The *CHOSEN* One"

 

Judging by our photo from the Bothan Foreign Press, the boy is already demonstrating the Force is with him. 

All together now..."Ahh, aint that cute..."

C-3PO

This week, the galaxies most famous Prototol Droid, C-3PO returned from a week long trip to Earth. 

Little is known about where the notoriously secretive droid was vacationing but DMZ, the infamous celebrity droid gossip web site, reported that C-3PO was accompanied on the trip by his 'companion' Doctor Who star, Sy Berman. 

The JOPR Press Team have obtained an exclusive photograph of the 'friends' taken on their holiday which [allegedly] reveals the destination of their trip.

Picture Courtesy of The Bothan Foreign Press Association & DMZ

Draw your own conclusions on this story. We have...

"NO COMMENT!"

Father's Day

Space Vaders

Stormtrooper Downtime...

"Hey, I Got One - Great Kid, don't get cocky!"

Rooney

Today on Twitter, Manchester United's super star striker Wayne Rooney confirmed that he had visited a Harley Street Hair Clinic for a painful hair & scalp transplant procedure.

Wayne tweeted: "Just to confirm to all my followers I have had a hair transplant. I was going bald at 25 why not. I'm delighted with the result."

Maybe you should ask for a refund, Wayne...

Seperated at birth...Wayne Rooney & Gamorrean Guard

#hairwego

Cucumbers

The Rebellion unleashed its latest attack on the Empire this week. No, there were no trench run style assaults on an exhaust port or sabotaging of a reactor core. This attack was far more subtle, and deadly…

In an attempt to introduce a "5 a day" style healthier option to meals in the Death Star Cantina, the Empire has banished Bantha Burgers and Fries to the airlock in favour of salad. Yes, plain old healthy salad with no saturated fat and no added sugar or salt. Or so they thought...

Vegetable Plot: The Stolen Death Star Cantina Menu

Cannon Fodder Imperial Troops have been getting fat on a poor diet of un-healthy food lately, so what better way to improve their diet (before they die in battle at the hands of the Rebellion), than a serving of fresh salad.   

The Rebellion's ever dwindling friends, the Bothan Spies, obtained the secret plans to the Death Star Cantina Menu and the Rebellion's "Operation Waldorf Salad" began to bear fruit (and veg).

A Top Rebel Chef

Obtaining a "particularly virulent" crate of  ecoli infected cucumbers from the Northern Region of Germany, Rebel Chef's began re-creating the Empire Menu (shown above) with salads, baguettes, wraps and a host of delicious dishes.

These would then be packed in Empire crates and shipped to the Death Star. Universal Exports, would act as the shipping agents to transport the deadly food to the Death Star Cantina where other agents on board would take care of the rest.

Cross Section of a deadly cucumber

Soon reports were surfacing of Stormtroopers falling ill to a 'mystery illness'. The Empire attempted to gag the press with a so called "Super Injunction" taken out by "evil legal eagle" @DarkSideLawyer, on @LordPalpatine's request.  

However, this could not contain the leak of information, regarding the outbreak, coming from social media sites like "Forcebook" on board the Death Star. The Rebellion's plan was working, and like the outbreak, word was spreading FAST.

The dramatic image below, was posted on Jedi Order PR's "Forcebook" page. It shows a Legion of mutated "Salad Troopers" in the grip of the zombie like outbreak.  

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Cucumbers - "Salad Troopers" in the grip of the cucumber ecoli outbreak

Emperor Palpatine's Spa Day goes horribly wrong

So for now, it seems the 'salad days' of the Empire may be coming to an end and the Rebellion can avoid a costly all out attack on the Death Star. All thanks to the innocuous cucumber, a true "weapon of mass destruction" (or should that be consumption), if there ever was. 

As you can see from this exclusive image, taken on one of our Bothan Spies mobile phone, even the Emperor himself has succumbed to cucumber zombification...Operation Waldorf Salad has been a complete success.

JOPR on Twitter:

"We've replaced all the cucumbers on the Death Star with a fresh batch direct from Germany. Bon Appetite, guys.#jedicare #ecoli *

*This post was inspired by the cucumber tweet by Jedi Order PR